Melancholy...

to be "gloomy, despondent, blue, dispirited, sorrowful, dismal, doleful, glum, downcast." It's been one of those weeks. I hadn't even realized it until someone asked me if I was okay. Automatically I responded "sure, why?" Once I started thinking about it I discovered that my answer was both true and untrue. On one hand I'm doing pretty good with this whole wait thing. For the most part I just go about my business and try not to think a whole lot about it. That being said, please don't think that a day goes by that my child or this whole process is not on my mind. Typically, I can sort of think about it but can kind of just slide on by without getting too caught up in it. For some reason I'm having a hard time not getting caught up in the wait, the what if's, and all the misery that accompanies them this week. I really thought I had gotten over that little tightening of the chest when you see a newborn or little kid at the mall or Target. But not this week, I don't know why but for some reason those little pangs have returned. I know that they will pass and that it will get better. I guess I just want to wallow a little. I want to whine, complain and cry without comment. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of stressing about things I can't change. I'm tired of wondering what possible issue can come up next that will cause additional delays. I'm just plain old tired. I miss a child I've never met. I yearn to grab her up and hold her tight. I want to play those silly little tickle games and sing silly songs with her. I want to be a mommy - RIGHT NOW.

So tonight I decided I would vent. I would whine and complain about it. I would subject those of you who read this blog to my whining. Sorry folks but just letting it out makes me feel a little better. So if you've made actually it this far, thanks for letting me vent. I'll bounce back, I always do.