28 Months Today...

Today we have officially been logged-in with China for 28 months. We are now 189 days way from our log-in date of 9/5/06. For some reason as I think about the wait today I am weary, fearful, and trying to hang on. This wait has tested us beyond our wildest dreams. As I’ve said before it feels like a living, breathing thing that at times quietly waits in the wings and at others feels like a thick cloud of misery. For those of you waiting with us you know what I am talking about. The wait is hard. It is draining and frustrating. Waiting has tested the depths of our patience and perseverance. It has made me question whether or not this is really supposed to be a part of the plan for me. Did I make mistake or misunderstand something somewhere along the way? What the wait should be is a time of preparation, a time of excited planning for my baby to come home. Yet, it is all and none of those things at the same time. I can’t help but wonder not when but IF this adoption will ever happen? Can we survive the wait? Will China do something, anything, to speed up the referral process in 2009? Is the raising of the orphanage fee going to matter in any way except to be another financial burden to bear? There are so many questions and so few answers. I find myself anticipating and dreading referral day each month. Those days are really the only news we get that any progress is being made. But the number of days referred each time does nothing to alleviate the wait. We don't really know what kind of numbers the days referred translate into. Are they consistent from month to month despite the number of days covered? These questions make it hard for referral days to make me feel any closer to bringing my child home. It took all of 2009 to get through 2 months of referrals. I can’t imagine how long it could take to get through the remaining 6 months and 5 days before my log-in date.

Maybe this is a post holiday bah-humbug feeling. For some of us without any children, the recent holidays took on a special kind of frustration. It can be difficult and exciting at the same time to see kids visiting Santa, singing in Christmas productions at school/church, or gazing in wonder at the lights and decorations. It’s hard not imagine taking my child to see Santa for the first time or taking her to see all the pretty lights in the neighborhood. For those of you with kids, I’m sure it’s another kind of agony. You know exactly what you’re missing and that must be difficult too. Please don’t misunderstand me, I love the Christmas season and I truly do enjoy seeing kids enjoy it too. It’s just that nagging little voice sometimes gets me, you know the one? The one in your head that pops up and asks “When is it going to be our turn?” I know this too shall pass. I know that in my head but today my heart doesn’t want to agree. It wants to wallow like a spoiled brat and pout. So, I’m going to have my day. Then when it is over I will pick myself up and go on because that is really the only thing to do.